Love Messages
by Inkess
Summary: In the aftermath of the war with the Reapers, Garrus is left wondering what happened to Shepard, his love. The answer might be easier to find than he imagined. (One-shot.)


**I had the idea for this one buzzing in my head for several days, like a fly. Well, to get rid of flies you swat them, and ideas you type out. Here's the result, enjoy! Of course, comments/reviews/thoughts are appreciated!**

* * *

Everyone wanted to talk to him and Garrus wasn't sure why. He was perfectly fine. They _were_ all stuck on an uninhabited planet with no news on what happened on Earth after the Crucible was activated, and he _was _getting a bit restless when thinking about what happened to Shepard, but there was no need for coddling him. Maybe he snapped at various crewmembers from time to time and had a slight but nearly constant growl in his secondary voice, but he could handle it. She would return, like she always had.

He sighed, dropped his spoon in the bowl of nutrient paste and pushed it away from him. It was the awful taste that made him unable to finish it, he told himself, not his nerves. He put his elbows on the mess hall table and buried his face in his hands. The supplies were getting thin. The _Normandy_ wasn't made to be self-sufficient for long periods of time and they've been here for several weeks. Of course they had to get stuck on a levo planet, too. Once they eat all the dextro supplies on the ship, he and Tali were doomed to die a slow, painful death of starv-

Someone patted him on the back. He was grateful for the distraction, but as he lifted his head to look at the source of it, his mandibles grew unusually stiff. He's never had much love for Shepard's former lover, especially not now.

"Major." Garrus grumbled formally. _Of course_ it would be Alenko taking control of the ship in her absence. Hierarchy, lines of succession, protocol and all that crap. As a turian he should know it best. He felt his mandibles twitch.

"Great news, Garrus." Alenko seemed oblivious to Garrus' tension, one step away from outright hostility. "We've got the QEC back up. Specialist Traynor's working on establishing contact with Earth. Also, our personal communicators and omni-tool messages work again."

Garrus heard a happy gasp across the table. It was Liara, looking like a child who found her favorite lost toy. When did she join him? He didn't even notice.

Ignoring Alenko, he caught Liara's gaze. "You can return to your _shadowy_ business now. I bet you missed all your monitors." His mandibles flexed at her as he grinned, feeling the familiar need to make jokes.

Liara's deep blue eyes had the expression of concern nearly everyone had when near him lately. Was he really behaving so strange? She seemed to relax a little when she heard him joke, though. Then she smiled at him, with the same comforting smile that annoyed him to no end since they got stuck here. Spirits help him, he didn't need that. He was _fine._

Ignoring Liara too, he turned his attention to his omni-tool. As he activated it, it shot off blue sparks. All the equipment on the ship did that sometimes ever since the wave of energy from the Crucible caught up with them and made a mess of their systems. No one knew what it actually did, not even the eternal smartass EDI. Well, not that it mattered. They were going to get some answers soon.

There were already some messages for him, including the one from his family (that one _did _remove a feeling of tension from his shoulders he wasn't even aware he had) and the Palaven Command informing him of the tragic death of Primarch Victus (he felt his insides cringe as he read this, and not because of grief), but _not _the one he so desperately wanted to see.

Well… there was no mention of Shepard in any of the messages, but there was one with a blank space for both title and sender. That was weird, so he decided it was worthy of his attention.

GA_RRUSVAKARIANHLPUSUNDEERSTAND _

Garrus blinked. What the hell was this? Something about that one reminded him of EDI or Legion when they couldn't comprehend organics. Ruling EDI out (she would have just asked him directly), he pondered if it was sent by the geth. Or _maybe _…? Nah, that was too crazy to even think about it. At the same time, looking at it made him _very _restless and he wasn't sure why. He switched the omni-tool off abruptly, shaking his head, with a cold shiver running down his spine.

"What's wrong, Garrus?" Liara asked, the familiar concern in her eyes growing deeper. He didn't reply. The message was probably some stupid error, caused by the Crucible. There was no need to worry anyone.

* * *

_They haven't found the body yet._

Garrus told himself this for the hundredth time today as he watched the rebuilding of London. No matter how many memorial walls were built in her honor or religious services held for her soul he wouldn't believe it until he sees her dead body with his own two eyes.

_They haven't found it yet. I know what happened to me last time. I won't make the same mistake again._

Ever since they got back on Earth he's been wandering the ruins alone, actively avoiding anyone he knew. Most of his waking hours were spent either trying to convince himself Shepard was still alive or trying to figure out what happened. No one knew yet. The only thing sure was that the Reapers were helping. They moved around London with a purpose, obviously directed by something, or someone, but didn't speak. Not even the usual _"This is beyond your comprehension, puny organics."_ They were just… dedicated and silent. They've been getting similar reports from all around the galaxy.

Of course, this _had_ to be Shepard's handiwork. No one else in the galaxy could make the Reapers cooperate, but what happened to _her_? Garrus had no idea and it was killing him. He wouldn't give up hope, though, even if it drives him crazy.

His omni-tool then beeped. He brought up the messages screen, expecting either his father or the Palaven Command telling him to stop hiding in London and come back home as soon as possible, but instead… the message had no title or sender indicated.

_Not this again._

Garrus opened the message with hesitation.

_GARRUS VAKARIAN HELP ME UNDERSTAND_

Huh. It was still creeping the hell out of him, and he still wasn't sure why. This one was at least easier to read, he'll give the mysterious sender that. Also, he noticed the singular pronoun being used now and wondered what it meant. _Who_ was sending these messages and _why_? He couldn't figure it out.

"Primarch Vakarian?" A familiar voice was heard behind his back. The title made him cringe, but at least he was glad for the distraction. He turned to meet the gaze of General Corinthus. "Congratulations on your promotion, sir."

"Thank you, General." Garrus replied politely, but inwardly he was growling with frustration. His new duty would always find him, no matter what he does.

* * *

There were so many reports to read, and so few hours in a day. Garrus blinked several times, trying to clear his vision which was going blurry from too many hours spent reading.

He sighed and stretched, wondering for a moment how hours of sitting and staring at a screen can make you more tired than fighting loads of Reaper forces. He _hated_ being a primarch, wanting to be back on the _Normandy_ again, fighting alongside Shepard.

Shepard.

He still wouldn't give up hope. The body hasn't been found yet. It's been so _damn_ long, though, since he'd seen her, hugged her, kissed her. A part of him was missing, and until it's found he'll never be whole.

Garrus shook his head and turned his attention back to the computer console. In the corner of the screen was an angry red icon blinking, indicating he had two urgent messages. He tapped the icon to bring them up.

One message was from Liara, telling him to face reality and _finally_ allow himself to begin mourning or he'll go crazy. He snorted as he read it, wondering if she somehow pulled off a degree in psychology even with all the Shadow Broker business taking her time. That would be like her.

The other one… no. Again. Still, he felt compelled to open it.

_Garrus Vakarian, help me understand. Please._

This one looked almost normal, and that was an improvement. Still, these messages were making him immensely frustrated.

"Help you understand what?" Garrus asked out loud as if the mysterious sender could hear him.

Speaking of which, how _would_ he reply to a message with no sender? He shrugged, and tried the obvious: the reply button. To his great surprise, it worked.

_It's not supposed to do this, _he thought, staring at the screen. As a sanity check, he tried removing the sender data from Liara's message, and then replying to it. Sure enough, the mailing program complained, demanding a valid address.

Now _that _was creepy.

Determined to find some answers, he dug up his "battle ready" omni-tool (the model he used now was more suited for administrative tasks). It had some tracing programs installed on it, and he hoped they would help him find the mysterious sender.

No such luck. Garrus fancied himself to be pretty good with tracing, but this one completely eluded him. He sighed, frustrated, wishing Tali was an intercom call away.

She wasn't. The _Normandy's_ crew was disbanded, the ship itself put on display in London. Each of his friends returned to their homes to pick up the pieces of their lives and to help rebuild. He was _supposed_ to do the same, not chase phantom messages.

He switched both his omni-tool and the console off, giving up. It was very late, but he didn't feel like sleeping.

He walked over to the window and leaned on it, looking at the cityscape of Cipritine, or what was left of it. The rubble looked almost the same like London, only more silvery. Being a primarch had its privileges, so his new home was located in a structurally sound building and he lived alone. Any turian living on Palaven with a solid roof above his head and not a tent should consider himself lucky. That was probably the only thing he _liked_ about his new position.

Menae glowed in the sky, full and round. He stared at it, remembering how they were reunited there and how she _always_ came back, no matter how hopeless the situation seemed, when a Reaper sailed across, partially covering Menae and shaking Garrus out of his reverie. Again, he was reminded how strange this whole situation was, how frustratingly silent they were, and how nobody had no idea wh-

An ear-piercing beep was heard from the room behind him, coming from his holo communicator (another privilege he had as a primarch). He wondered who it was at this hour as he walked over to the device.

Upon pressing the button, an image of a human female shimmered into view and it was… it was… _her!?_

"Shepard…" Garrus gasped, his voice cracking. His arm rose towards the image, as if he could touch her, when she began to speak.

"Garrus Vakarian." The voice wasn't what he expected. It was dual-toned, almost like his own, but the other voice was… metallic. It was also very machine-like, unnaturally even and cold. His arm froze in the air, and he took a step back.

"Help me understand. Please." The… Shepard-like thing… continued, and Garrus felt his arm fall to his side. He took another step back.

The image of Shepard stared at him, as if expecting a reply. His mind was too shocked, so he just stared back at it.

"Can you hear me, Garrus Vakarian?" The Shepard-like thing asked. It certainly had her looks, but didn't move like her at all. In fact, it didn't move like any human or organic he knew.

"Y-y-yes." Garrus stammered reluctantly, wondering if talking to this thing meant Liara was right and his mind finally snapped.

"I am sorry if I am confusing you, but it was very hard for me to learn the way organics communicate." The Shepard-like thing's face didn't move at all as it spoke, except for its lips. It had a very disturbing effect on Garrus, who was used to the countless tiny facial movements that made Shepard's expressions.

"Organics? And what are you?" Garrus asked, although he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the answer.

"I am the voice of the Reapers. I direct and guide them."

"But you have _her_ face and voice." Garrus retorted. There was still a tiny shred of hope inside him.

"I was created through Shepard's death." Garrus felt his heart sink at the last word. That last, tiny shred of hope he had disappeared. "I have her memories but there is so much about them I find confusing. My purpose is to guide the Reapers according to her wishes and I cannot do that properly if I do not understand them. Help me understand."

Now they were back at the beginning.

"I'll… I'll try." Garrus took a deep breath, rubbing his forehead. At the same time, somewhere in the back of his mind, something clicked. It was Shepard who made the Reapers help, _of course_. The messages _were_ about her, he _somehow_ knew it all along. He _wasn't_ going crazy.

"I was able to determine she would have wanted me to help rebuild the devastated worlds, so I started to work on it immediately." The avatar of the Reapers continued. It took some effort in Garrus' mind not to call it "Shepard". She was gone, he was finally convinced. "She would have also wanted me to protect the organics, and…" The avatar paused for a moment. "You are confusing. You have many concepts I do not understand."

Garrus felt his brow plates rise, in the manner of human eyebrows. It was a gesture he picked up from Shepard. _Talk about confusing,_ he thought, _I'm discussing the nature of organics with a thing that controls Reapers and has my lover's memories. _Out loud, he said: "You have to be more specific than that."

"The one confusing me the most is love." The avatar clarified.

"Love?" Garrus repeated, surprised. His brow plates rose even more. "I don't think I'm the best person to ask about that."

"Your name was associated the most with that word in her mind. In fact, the time you two spent together took up the most of her memories."

Garrus hoped - no, he _knew_ - he meant a lot to her, but hearing it so openly brought a great relief to him, and at the same time a lot of pain. He shifted his weight uncomfortably.

The avatar didn't seem to notice Garrus' discomfort. It continued: "I can see it meant a lot to her, but I do not understand your relationship. It serves no purpose. You are different species; you cannot reproduce. The relations between your people are strained at best, even if fighting the Reapers brought you together; your relationship would have been seen as treason. Also, it would have been unlikely, given your lifestyle, that you would get a chance to spend your lives together. It does not make sense."

"That's not what love is about." Garrus spoke, straightening. It occurred to him suddenly he knew a thing or two about love, after all. "We - the organics - aren't just concerned about reproduction. When two people love each other, the emotions they feel for one another create a bond that goes beyond making more of their species."

"Is that bond so great that it surpasses all of the obstacles I mentioned before? It does not seem so."

"No, it isn't always enough. Hell, if it was Shepard would be here with me now." Garrus' voice became rough at the last part. Swallowing hard, he continued: "However, it's great enough to make us be willing to _try._ For… for those we care about we're ready to face the impossible odds because it gives us so much in return. The time I spent with Shepard was the greatest time of my life, there's no doubt about that. If I could do something to bring her back, I would. Since I know I can't, the only thing I _can_ do is to carry on. I know that's what she would have wanted me to do."

Garrus spoke from the bottom of his soul. Feeling slightly out of breath, he realized he's never been this open about his feelings for Shepard before. He wondered if this Reaper-controlling thing could understand it at all.

The avatar was silent for a while. Garrus almost began to feel alarmed, wondering why it was taking it so long to reply, when it spoke again: "So that is the reason why you struggled so much. I understand now."

"Yes, that's why we fought back so desperately." Garrus confirmed. He was glad the thing was seeing the light.

"We have been trying to save you from the inevitable destruction by the synthetics you create by preserving you in our form. To do that, we had to harvest you first. Now I realize it was the wrong thing to do." It paused for a moment, then declared: "The new purpose of the Reapers confirmed: Help organics with keeping their current form and the bonds they have with one another. Thank you, Garrus Vakarian. May I contact you again if I have a question about organics?"

Garrus breathed a sigh of relief. It would seem that this crazy conversation finally reached a satisfying conclusion. It left him feeling very tired, in both body and mind, so he just nodded. The Reaper-controller disappeared from view then.

He stood alone for a while. Knowing what happened, even if found out in such a strange way had brought him some relief and comfort. He dragged himself over to his bed and fell into it, still with clothes on. For the first time in several months he slept soundly and dreamlessly.

-END-


End file.
